I don’t even like pizza. BUT I had to meet this man so I could tell all my friends I got a free pizza via tinder.
So we made it happen. I’m new to this whole meeting-people-on-tinder-and-asking-them-questions thing so I had to make sure this was thoroughly thought out and I had an escape route/body guard.
Nick also mentioned something about a punk show under a bridge later. Game on.
- Eliot drops me off a block away from our meeting place
- I walk in
- Eliot parks and walks in a few moments later. We. Don’t. Know. Each. Other.
- Meet up with Eliot later under the bridge.
I walk into our meeting place, Mimi’s, and spot Nick standing near the bar. It was loud and crowded. We go to the bar across the street where we would have room to sit. Big Daddies. A smokey dive. Heavy pours. Middle aged gay men everywhere. Good call, Nick.
Oh but the plan, stick to the plan Grace! I text my travel companion/body guard “Big Daddy’s,” hoping they’ll get it and not think I got abducted or something.
Ahh good, message received. I pretend to not see Eliot walk in and sit down at the bar 3 feet away.
G: have you ever met a pizza you didn’t like?
N: Most pizzas I don’t like. I’m vegan. I don’t drink either.
G: What’s your opinion on beans?
N: It’s my main form of sustenance. You know, ancient mathematicians thought beans were evil.
G: what would I find in your refrigerator?
N: 3 day old gumbo and like.. extra firm tofu. Oh my roommate likes to drink half a beer and save the rest. So half of a shitty beer probably.
G: Has any paranormal shit ever happened to you?
N: Um no haha. I don’t believe in that stuff. My upbringing has made me terrified of any form of external life. I have been hanging out with some witches lately though.
G: what pisses you off about American culture?
N: Its sick and twisted propagandalized version of capitalism. I think about it daily
G: what’s the most ridiculous thing that’s ever happened to you on tinder?
N: ummm getting an interview about pizza?
G: ok ok besides this
N: OH! I do have a story. Ok wait but you’re gonna totally think I’m like–
G: dude just let it out. This is a judgement free bubble
N: So I met this girl and we went to this bar that has a swimming pool. And it’s a clothing optional swimming pool. And we like.. had sex in the swimming pool at the bar.
G: WHAT THERES A CLOTHING OPTIONAL SWIMMING POOL BAR?!! Where?!
N: yeah it’s called “Country Club” but they actually just passed an ordinance a couple months ago that outlawed the naked swimming.
Here’s a picture of the place
N: So after that we went to the levee. We had to hop a barbed wire fence to get there. Then we climbed the levee. And… You know. Had sex again on the levee.
N: I was driving my roommates car and had to drop her off cause she was on family vacation and it was 4 AM. So I was driving her home and we parked. And then had sex again in my roommates car for like an hour and a half. In August. That car was so sweaty. When I dropped her off and turned on the radio ACDCs Rock and roll ain’t noise pollution came on. It was perfect.
G: so is this why you don’t drink?
N: oh no. We were both stone cold sober.
My tinder profile says “Let me take your picture and ask you some questions.” So here’s a picture of Nick looking cool by a phone booth.
I held up my end of the deal. Now it was Nick’s turn. And he delivered. Walked right into his work and grabbed me a big ass slice of pizza.